Because of who you are.

I'm having a weird week thus far. Forgive my self indulgence. But this week (it's only Tuesday!) I've experienced big high's--lots of exciting things have happened already! I went to my first Sunday school class and will be teaching for the first time on Sunday. It's on singing our worship. How cool is that? I spent a great weekend with friends. And even got to spend Sunday nite with friends b/c I had to be somewhere Monday morning early. That was a big blessing for me. If you know me, you know I find Sunday nites SO DEPRESSING! So what a neat start for the week! I got to do some good shopping-not normally my cup of tea..but fun nonetheless. Lot's of fun things already, and already some neat things to look forward to this week and beyond.

It's also been a hard week. I've been really sleep deprived for some reason. I just haven't slept well. And it's catching up with me. There has been a nagging thing going on, too. I'm not sure how to describe it other than a discontent that I can't explain. It's the part of me that is selfish and self-centered and careless for anyone but myself. Not a part of me that I like. It's the part of me that only sees how I'm being mistreated and misused. All the ways that I'm underappreciated. All the things that I want but don't have and seem so out of reach. The part that wants to destroy who I am in Christ. It's the part that has kept me from doing my BSF lesson, from starting to read my chronologicial Bible that I got for my b-day. The part that wants to rob me of my freedom, my happiness and my hope.

Sometime change has to be spoken to provoke a beginning. My friend Anne thinks (this is my assumption--I'm putting words in her mouth here....but it's based on my actions to her) that I shouldn't speak so quickly to commit myself to something. My word is my bond, and sometimes I speak things without really committing to it. She's right. I think that I take giving my word VERY seriously, but I haven't taken WHAT my word actually means at all seriously. It is EVERY word. Not just times when I commit an oath of a sort. I am quick to say I'll workout 5 days a week; never drink a drop again, etc... But not so quick to speak aloud what I've committed to inside my heart. As a protection against failure, I suspect. To protect myself against embarrassment. To protect my facade of being "okay" and "normal." To keep from having any accountability. Well, today, I'm gonna speak it. I want this year to be NOT about me. I want to love like Christ-unconditionally and un-fearfully with no agenda for myself. Even when I'm not loved back very well. I want to be less concerned about myself. I'm committing it to writing.

Who you are determines what you'll be, right?? I am a child of God. I am forgiven and free. I am unworthy and unable, but chosen nonetheless. It's who I am.